change is not bad and chances are all of youre actions are somehow morally ambiguous and/or self-serving
remember that time a week later i was blocked on tumblr and removed on facebook and started being construed as a “bad situation” and a toxic person and yet it was my fault that i didnt contact that person and try to clear it up personally even though i literally fucking texted them like “hey i want you to feel okay talking to me if you have an issue with me”?
gr8
hey remember that time i was yelled at for my “disgusting cishet privilege” the day before my birthday and was forced to out myself as agender and how ive been fucked up with a horrible guilt complex about how everything thats happened to me is my own fault since?
yeah good times
i want my entire trunks aesthetic back but theres no way i can match my own standards
i hate this shit. i hate that these posts are like literally all of me. it doesnt make me feel better that others know what im going through, it just proves that theres nothing to me!
Anyway BPD is an awful and evil and consuming and self-destructive illness that will drive you to loathe your entire being so much that you feel like 1/8th of a person. It will make you not feel like you are worth the same as people around you because you’re abusive and nasty. It’s a constant cycle of saying “I’m worthless because I’m awful, I’m awful because I’m worthless”. BPD is not an illness that should be romanticised by people without BPD. You can’t sit there and say “people with BPD are so brave and loving and they will give you their all” - because if you actually had BPD you would understand the reason you give your all is because you feel guilty for existing, guilting for breathing, guilty for taking up space, guilty that other people have to look at you, guilty that somehow you are manipulating the people in your life purely by being alive. BPD is tiring and consuming and will ruin your whole life so stop trying to say that this illness is secretly a gift.
The reason why borderlines get so upset over our favourite person showing love or caring about others is because of how we perceive caring and love. To us, caring about our favourite person means giving our entire heart to them. Making our life completely about making them happy and adoring them as much as possible. And we can only give ourselves so completely to one person at a time. So when the favourite person then expresses caring or love towards someone else, we perceive it as them offering themselves completely to that person and that they don’t care about us (since we think that you can only care about one person at a time). And that’s why we get so hurt by it. Not because we’d like being mean and jealous, but because we genuinely feel abandoned and unloved when it happens because we don’t understand normal caring or love.
“I do not like the feeling of being a borderline.
I do not like the feeling of abandonment.
this fake abandonment,
I’ve constructed in my head,
this abandoned building in my chest that I beg people to live in
but when they do I kick them out
because nobody deserves to have to fix this poor collapsing excuse for a house.
I know you haven’t left, but you havent told me you loved me in three hours, ten minutes, and 32, 33, 34 seconds so how am I supposed to know the difference?
I do not like these mood swings
I do not like spending hours of my night covering every mirror in a blanket and covering every tastebud in burning alcohol only to wake up loving every thing about me
taking down all the fleece to realise that the happy me that decides to drop in just enough to always be missed
is not the me that reflects in the mirror
I do not even know who that me is
I do not like the feeling of being a work in progress
I’m taking traits and ideas and hobbies straight from other people’s identities and hoping they dont notice when i suddenly become exactly who they want me to be
“we have so much in common” not unless you, too, sit up every night praying to a god you dont believe in to let you give up because theres no reason to live but theres no reason to die either because theres no person here at all
I do not like this disorder
but if someone told me there was a solution
I don’t know if I would take it
because this lack of identity is my only identity and this empty shelter in my chest is the only home I’ve ever known
I do not like the feeling of being me”
I do not like the feeling of abandonment.
this fake abandonment,
I’ve constructed in my head,
this abandoned building in my chest that I beg people to live in
but when they do I kick them out
because nobody deserves to have to fix this poor collapsing excuse for a house.
I know you haven’t left, but you havent told me you loved me in three hours, ten minutes, and 32, 33, 34 seconds so how am I supposed to know the difference?
I do not like these mood swings
I do not like spending hours of my night covering every mirror in a blanket and covering every tastebud in burning alcohol only to wake up loving every thing about me
taking down all the fleece to realise that the happy me that decides to drop in just enough to always be missed
is not the me that reflects in the mirror
I do not even know who that me is
I do not like the feeling of being a work in progress
I’m taking traits and ideas and hobbies straight from other people’s identities and hoping they dont notice when i suddenly become exactly who they want me to be
“we have so much in common” not unless you, too, sit up every night praying to a god you dont believe in to let you give up because theres no reason to live but theres no reason to die either because theres no person here at all
I do not like this disorder
but if someone told me there was a solution
I don’t know if I would take it
because this lack of identity is my only identity and this empty shelter in my chest is the only home I’ve ever known
I do not like the feeling of being me”
-- I do not even know who that is (via honeybpd)
weird things: how much more expressive i used to be in photos.
LOL GR8
NEW IDEA SINCE I CANT DELETE THIS TUMBLR
IM GONNA MAKE A NEW ONE YAAY
ILL START IT UP TOMORROW